Introducing Ask AfterEllen — the advice column where in fact the Sapphic sages at AE answr fully your (non-medical) questions. Got a concern when it comes to lesbian experts? Email

How can you tell if that gender-nonconforming workmate you had love to end up being pals with is a lesbian as you, while steering clear of the awkwardness of asking? What about that hot librarian you retain thumping into while mastering? Could you be ever-going to build up the neurological to approach the lady for a chat? Would not it is easier any time you could measure the probability she’s into females 1st?

I am able to feel the wrath currently: « You can’t determine if a female is lesbian or bisexual! » or « That’s judgemental! » or « All you have to perform is actually ask the girl… » or « take the shot anyhow! » and you’re half-right.

Lesbian and bisexual females have actually
a brief history of building signals
to find one another. It is not judgemental to look for green flags. Homophobia – which nonetheless is available today – means it’s not constantly secure to approach someone about becoming interested in the same-sex.

Many folks internalize homophobia. We can subconsciously see


as second-rate for being into women. We might not have the confidence to straight up ask a lady if she’s into ladies either, even though it really is officially « secure » to do so.

Around you simply can’t know a female’s into women without the woman letting you know, you also cannot understand that’s homophobic until its too late. Certain worst homophobia I skilled has been from city-dwelling « queer »-identified 20-somethings with blue locks.

Very program these symptoms in the gaydar!

Exactly who she follows/what she posts on social media marketing.

Discover factors to consider in terms of that one. First of all, if her profile is actually personal, think about if it is strange or uncomfortable to incorporate this lady. Normally, this package’s quite simple. If she’s following a tonne of celesbians or lesbian history users then it’s rather clear she’s into women. If she actually is publishing a pride march she decided to go to, why are you actually looking over this? Slide in those DMs! Yeah she might be a straight ally, but which also means she

must not

be homophobic in your direction for nearing anyway.

Short nails

I understand many believe that is outdated. I am able to hear some people claiming « but femmes! » and yes, some femmes have long nails. But it is a fact that lots of lesbians keep their particular nails short. It is not


considering whatever you carry out during intercourse, either, but because lesbians need signal their unique lesbianism! They want to date or hook-up and, as it can end up being difficult to find another lesbian in the wild – not every one of united states live-in Los Angeles – we can not risk any person mistaking our very own long fingernails if you are directly.

Being less conforming to gender


This option’s certain to lesbians. We’re not wanting to draw in guys so we’re usually less conforming as to the


find hot. Yes, we don’t can choose out from the male gaze. The pornographic fetishisation of lesbians is proof it affects united states in almost any and/or additional steps. But lesbians are usually a lot more aggressive, outfit a lot more comfortably, and stay even more blunt because, general, ladies you shouldn’t anticipate the exact same adherence to femininity to find you appealing.

  • Favorite movies, television shows, and songs
  • It is a secure way to assess the probability a woman is actually lesbian or bisexual. If she claims  »

    The L Word, »


    « Ammonite, »


    « Tegan and Sara, »

    it’s most likely she actually is a lesbian or bisexual. She’s clearly open about discussing homosexuality and could be eager to hangout if you display exactly the same interests. In which you ask and also this does matter: if she is at your workplace or jogging or on various other mission next probably identify the more delicate indications.


    Here is where the background and society takes on an important role. Analysis the indicators. I’ve heard Gen Z sapphics select one another through mushroom earrings. A labrys representation on her behalf clothes or accessories is virtually certainly a lesbian, or an unknowing right girl just who went to an op shop near a lesbian commune and didn’t understand any benefit. The
    logo alone might be an indication she actually is a feminist. But two
    overlapping typically indicates lesbianism.

    The need having « proof » that a female’s into women before capturing your chance is natural. However, these indications are not guaranteed. As somebody who’s « come-out crush » was actually a gender non-conforming straight work associate with brief spiky blonde hair and rainbow stars tattood upwards the woman supply, use the signs with caution.

    If any such thing, consider vibes. They are alot more for this necessary gut instinct compared to trivial, particularly « does the very fact she wear Birkenstocks and it has 7 kitties make the lady a lesbian? »

    Had gotten a question when it comes down to lesbian experts? Email

    This column isn’t a substitute for psychiatric or medical advice. AfterEllen personnel tend to be people, not therapists


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